How not to get a white girlfriend

 

One question I am often asked here in Kenya is ‘how can I get a white girlfriend’?

Coupled with the amount of times I have heard female volunteers complain about persistent and bizarre advances by young Kenyan men, I feel there is clearly a need to for somebody to fill cupid’s role.

I know that anyone who has seen pictures of me or been spellbound by my Clinton-esque charm will find it hard to believe, but I am no expert in the matter. I’ve had long and incomprehensible spells during which I’ve been unable to secure a girlfriend of any shape, age or race.  

So I decided to consult with a cross-section of the Kenyan man’s target audience in order to provide a selection of hints and tips to aid them in pursuit of their date. This is what they report:

1)      Even if it does not mean a lot to you, the fact you have a wife or girlfriend – or they have a husband or boyfriend – will most probably mean an awful lot to them.

2)      White women, like all human beings, want to feel special and that your attraction to them is something personal. Telling them that you really want 'a white girlfriend' is a mistake – this reduces them to one of about ¾billion women who share their skin colour, rather than making them feel like one in a million.

3)      There are undoubtedly many white women happy to be reduced to the role of fashion accessory, but you’ll have to travel to the nightclubs of Britain to find them and compete with professional footballers for their attention.

4)      If they tell you they have a boyfriend or husband, they mean leave them alone.

5)      If they tell you they have a boyfriend or husband and your response is ‘do you know any other white women I can go out with?’, I refer you to item 1).

6)      It is not a cultural norm in Europe to look for love on your commute to work. Very few romances emanate from this situation, and even fewer from the relationship between passenger and bus driver/conductor.

7)      Under no circumstances call the girl you want to impress ‘Sister Rooney’.

A compliment, honestly?

 8)      Finally - and I suspect that this might horrify many of those who seek a ‘white girlfriend’ rather than an individual -  if you are successful in securing a date there is still an age-old tradition in Europe where MEN PAY FOR THE DATE. At the very least, modern European women would expect to pay no more than half of any bill.

To redress the balance, I feel duty bound to point out that there are a lot of very old, very ugly white men here with impossibly beautiful young Kenyan women, and an increasing trend for more mature white ladies romancing young, athletic Kenyan men. Perhaps a young, good-looking Kenyan man or woman can provide a guide for the older white man or woman looking to join them?